 |
| Match Details |
| Round |
Round 5 |
| Opposition |
Kingsford Apaches |
| Date |
27-Oct-2001 & 3-Nov-2001 |
| Ground |
Rowland 1 |
| Match Summary |
| Result |
|
| Kingsford Apaches 1st innings |
all out, 146 runs
|
| Kurrajong Gypsies 1st innings |
8 wickets, 163 runs
|
| Match Report |
Volume 9, Round 5
Glebe Gypsies v Kingsford Apache 1
This game had the pustulous stench of immolation about it from the start- and it wasn’t because Bobo had turned up unwashed again. When an opposition fields its ‘first’ team in the 5th grade of this circus for consumptive lepers, you’ve got to wonder whether there’s been one too many belly-flops in the shallow end of the gene pool down Kingsford way. I don’t care how many fucking centuries Jones has scored, the fact is I’ve seen his old man – cross Andy Caddick with Wilson Tuckey and you get the idea.
The Gypsies turned up hungover, overweight, incontinent, dribbling, and pissed off. No reason really, they’re just angry young men with a grudge against $4.20 for a schooner. The Apache top order was lined up against a wall and shot. It was like Germaine Greer had gatecrashed a meeting of Taliban clerics. At 5 for 11 Nathan Cohen had total annexation of the West Bank in his sights, however Kofi Annan stepped in and brokered an 86 run peace accord between Con ‘The Fruiterer’ Koutas (63) and Layton Dickhead (46). Long-off Tim Barnett was forced to field under the monkey bars in Daceyville Public School, dressed as a Tasmanian Test umpire. After cup cakes Junior ordered air strikes, and the hapless Apache rabble were routed for 146. Cohen had 7 thinning scalps for 26, including a town square beheading of pretty boy Jones for the sum total of 2. That’ll teach him for pedalling Scientology on the Park.
With an hour to negotiate before Mum called dinner, the Gypsy openers consumed half the opposition total before Umpire Kahler fired Futon Minorus lbw for 22, proving once again that four years doing accountancy in Great Britain can only turn you into a rule-abiding, anally-retentive, traitorous drip. Nightwatchman Tony Masters, who had defied all the laws of his rival Physics department with an airborne corker of a catch earlier in the day, came out in pyjamas, cup of hot cocoa in hand, and spent three scoreless overs reading bedtime stories to the Apaches about Florey’s serendipitous discovery of formica in a beaker of colorectal discharge.
Jones came up with a cunning plan to stave off certain annihilation on the second Saturday when he converted the full squad into Seventh Day Adventists and called the fixture off on religious grounds. In an interesting twist on polygamy the Apaches all agreed to share the same wife - Paul Brien’s, as it turned out. However the ruse fell apart when his confused rabble heard that Brigham Young’s thigh pad was buried under Rowland 1, and the Gypsies arrived to find a commotion straight out of Mel Brooke’s remake of Little House on the Prairie. The wagons were removed and play finally got under way. Scout leader Gray got a badge from Michael Landon for collecting 50 egg cartons, but fell on his penknife one short of becoming the first Gypsy to pass 1000 runs and two gall stones. The mid-strength shandies will be put on ice for next time. Word has it he went home after the game with an Amish groupie. Facing Bronwyn Bishop from the nursing home end, Hamilton clattered an unbeaten 22 without raising a sweat, finger, alarm, soufflé or Arizona. The rest were classical examples of those tedious quarter-hour nines, elevens and threes that are the ephemeral, atomistic minutiae of park cricket (and the phone number of a girl called Traxene who can do things with a garden hose and protractor that would make your hair stand on end). Except, that is, for Jobie Lebler, who typified the cherubic eastern suburbs mummy’s boy – the kind who has all the gear but is always last picked – when he strode to the middle with a brand new bat and got clean bowled for a duck. Nevertheless the Gypsies, like Dirk Diggler, got up again.
What does it all add up to, dear reader? Why was Dick Cheney at the game? Why did John Chalmers have his legs waxed? How did the Lady miraculously sprout hair on her upper lip? Was the streaker really Megawati Sukarnoputri? And did Ando spend Friday night with Amanda Vanstone? If not, where else did he get the floral marquee from? This game has raised more questions than it has answered. Cricket was the winner, while lawn bowls broke even and petanque clearly has a gambling problem. The world was changed forever on September 11 but November 3 will go down in history as the day not much happened. The lines have been drawn- you’re either for us or indifferent. |
|
|
| Kingsford Apaches 1st innings |
| Chung, Ewen |
8 overs, 1 for 18 |
| Cohen, Nathan |
9 overs, 7 for 26 |
| Hamilton, Cameron |
5 overs, 1 for 33 |
| Barnett, Tim |
4 overs, 0 for 29 |
| Kahler, Kevin |
5 overs, 1 for 33 |
| Masters, Tony |
1 overs, 0 for 4 |
|
| Kurrajong Gypsies 1st innings |
| Fenton-Smith, Ben |
22 |
| Gray, James |
50 |
| Masters, Tony |
7 |
| Hamilton, Cameron |
22* |
| Davies, Andrew |
13 |
| Biboudis, John |
1 |
| Barnett, Tim |
9 |
| Lebler, Jobie |
0 |
| Chung, Ewen |
6 |
| Kahler, Kevin |
3* |
|
|
