With Moore Park flannelists and leathered cognoscenti having donned the bath robe and brothel-creepers for a well-earned national day bye, it is timely to reflect on issues of identity, mateship, cronyism and gender politics in modern Australia. As Tubby Taylor says, Sydney’s a great place to live – but how about the humidity! Clearly, we as a nation have to address our weight problem before we can even consider reconciliation. An English friend of mine asked me recently “What does the first week of January mean to Australians?” I explained that if you rolled up the Eurovision Song Contest, Elton John’s Tea and Tiara Ball, and the Henley Regatta all into one, you wouldn’t even come close. This is the time of the blue riband events – the Heineken Classic, the VB one-day series, and Channel Ten’s exciting Egg & Spoon Race for dumb-waiters. All of which demonstrate to the world that this wide, brown, skid-marked land is surely the greatest place on earth to sew up your lips and park your tush on a prayer mat in desert detention. Contrary to pinko lefty chardonnay propaganda refugees are welcome here, as long as they’ve got a shot at bronze in the clean and jerk.

But I digress. During the week President Bush focussed the eyes of the world on a clear and present danger – the Gypsies flopping out of the finals race. Sure he went a bit far with the rhetoric – identifying Randwick, Archers and Wombats as “an axis of evil” – but his impassioned plea for an increase in military spending to prop up the team’s decaying kit bag was reasoned and sensible. With three games in February, and three losses trailing behind them like tin cans tied by haemorrhoids to a newly-weds’ Corolla, the Gypsies knew what they had to do: make themselves unavailable for the game. With Priscilla, Chung, Lebler, Wawrzyniak, T.Barnett, and Miller all drafted into the ailing Australian one-day team, selectors considered rushing Zoe Vanstead into the side, either as a second spinner or in a cot at deep mid-wicket.

As it turned out, Cutlet (58) and the Flea Futon-Smythe (33) opened and made light work of the pop-gun attack and underpopulated field in a partnership that had more shots than 18 holes with Ian Baker-Finch. Unfortunately Junior’s strokeplay became creatively dangerous when he belted a short one into his own jaw, and he temporarily departed the field to have his dentures restructured and colostomy bag emptied. The Madras-like heat took its toll on the other batsmen, although Kahler distinguished himself with a couple of boundaries and an umpiring display that has done little to quash rumours of an affair with Shakoor Rana. Barnett Jnr and Bobo each caressed 15 (yr olds), the latter protesting against government handling of asylum-seekers by instituting a "go-slow" campaign, refusing to hit boundaries. He got the red ink, and the Gypsies finished up with only a modest 168 and Neil Ruddock, when questioned, said Bobo "had done nothing wrong."

The hungry Gypsies returned to the field with buttocks clenched and fists pumping. Sharp crash-tackled a 20ft bluegum in an attempt to save four. Junior chopped and changed his bowlers, taking sexual abuse to a new level. Masters was turning a leaden nerf ball off plasticine, while Lindsay selfishly guarded figures of 1 for 2 in a tantrum of sibling rivalry not seen since Herschelle Gibbs stormed out of the Bee Gees. Regrettably the Archers’ chief feral, Mr Shoosh, is a reincarnated stink bug. Celestial calculations reveal that the Gypsies, as kids, collectively massacred over 11 million such insects, many atrocities involving fireworks, BB guns, and Clag bombs. This day the karma points were called in – Fifth Grade’s princely buffoon changed his bat six times and pulled out on more occasions than Pricilla in the Headmaster’s office, but managed to hit the winning runs in the penultimate over.

What has gone wrong? After four consecutive losses, Cutlet has now been confronted with the Rubik's Cube of Truth. The Gypsies are out of the top four, form, ideas, and the closet. After four consecutive losses, changes have to be made to this aging and tired one-day outfit. They seem to be overtraining and need to get off the soy milk products. Hem lines on trouser legs should be raised 4.5 cms, ponytails outlawed, fornication with lemurs banned, and any unsightly moles around the midriff removed with laser treatment.