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Act I, Scene I |
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Outside a public house. Enter Barnado Davies and Francisco Sharp, two sentinels. |
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Bar. |
Who goes there? Ist the taxi I ordered upon this fifth hour past? |
Fran. |
Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself. |
Bar. |
You come most lazily upon the hour. Tis now struck two, get thee to the Park, Francisco. Thou hast a pale and sickly countenance that speaks of bourbon and beefsteak. |
Fran. |
Assail not mine ears with such taints of hypocrisy. Hast thou not slept on yonder park bench? Wherefore art thine clothes? Prithee, speak! |
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Enter Ghost |
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Bar. |
Peace, break thee off, look where it comes again! |
Fran. |
Looks a not like Allan Langer? Mark it, Barnado! |
Bar. |
Nay, tis our feverd foe, Sumsky Snr. It harrows me with fear and wonder. |
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Barnado draws his sword and swings at it, missing completely. |
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Fran. |
Thou hast not markd it, Barnado. Once again thy new sword goest unmarkd. |
Bar. |
Tis no easy task when I am seeing two alike and the earth doth sway like a jellied breast neath my feet. |
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Both throw up. |
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Act 2, Scene 2 |
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Booralee 4. Enter Jobie, Thane of Bondi, and Cutlet, Prince of Doom Park, holding tin cans with strings attached. |
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Job. |
How goes the battle mLord? |
Cut. |
Not well. These 20 overs since we have but a solitary wicket taken. |
Job. |
Ay Lord, as my butt is salty when a widdle taken. |
Cut. |
The scoreboard runneth over with boundaries most foul.
Tis not the inky cloak of captaincy that irks my being,
Nor this ill-wind of flatulence from long off.
The knob and sauce of my distemper be the pestilent Manks, on 103! |
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Act 3, Scene 7 |
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Booralee 4. Enter Claudius Kahler, King of Doom Park, Gertrude Bradley, the Queen, Cutlet, and Shylock Cohen, a merchant from West Ryde. Randwick approacheth 200 runs. |
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Claud. |
Though yet of breakthroughs our memories are hardly green,
To bear our heads in grief, and our whole season
To be contracted in one brow of woe,
Yet so far hath discretion sought to deny
Antonio Masters a bowl. Sweet Cutlet,
Look then upon our sometime sister, now our Queen,
Imperial Bradley. I beseech you, give her leave to throw. |
Gert. |
My son, and Prince, the enemy play not seam, nor swing. |
Cut. |
Seam, Madam? Nay, it is. I know not seam. |
Shy. |
Pity me, skipper prince! 2 for 76!
These dastardly figures will have their pound of flesh. |
Cut. |
Tis the wrong play villainous trundler!
Find thyself banished to the cows corner!
Deceitful field, spread! Each man to a cone! |
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Act 4, Scene 14 |
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In the Booralee park toilets. Randwick declared at 8/237. Enter Cutlet. |
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Cut. |
To tonk or not to tonk, that is the question:
Weather is cloudier in the mind after the
Drinks and tobacco that cost an outrageous fortune.
Ought I take up arms against a sea of ferals,
And by belting, fuck em? Ah, to pull to sweep,
Perchance to cut; ay, theres the chop!
Conscience, and hangovers, and fast bowling,
Doth make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied oer with the brownish gruel of my buttocks. |
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Cutlet takes his pants down, and wees. Enter a witch. |
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Wit. |
Get thee to th crease fore crack of sparrows fart. |
Cut. |
Hideous wench! Art thou late of Bradleys pillowed embraces?
Nay, a beer goggle gaze would not deceive of thine ugliness. |
Wit. |
Remembrest not, Prince, afore thy nuptial day?
Thou hast grazed, not gazed, pants down. |
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Cutlet gazes down at his genitals. |
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Cut. |
Out! Out damn spots! |
Wit. |
Oh, what a noble mind is here oerthrown. |
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Act 96, Scene 3.148 |
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In a Croatian hamburger shop on Botany Road. Enter Rosenchung and Guildencolman. |
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Ros. |
Sun, breed maggots in this dead dog!
I am run out. |
Guild. |
And I dismissed, for one, to a madness
Mightier than the bundy and the bourbon when both contend
Which is deadlier (or produceth the darker grog bog). |
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Enter Horatio Futon-Smythe.. |
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Ros. |
How now? What news? |
Hor. |
The Queen hath slain 66, and Davies 30.
Kahler nears 23. As flies to wanton boys were we to Randwick:
They killed us for their sport.
Now revenge like hot blood boils
In cursed spite of the eastern suburbs.
Is this a victory I see before me? |
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Enter a messenger from Poland, riding a yak. |
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Was. |
All is lost! Myself, last man in, holed out
To a knavish rat, hidden behind an arras at point! |
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Act 105, Scene 34 |
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At the Castle Kareela. Enter the Gypsies. A feast is in progress. |
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Cut. |
Men, anoint thy heads with mead!
Drink, and the sorrows of this day be forgot. |
Claud. |
Sir, I cannot my silence keep.
In truth, thee and thy kin be jokes! |
Cut. |
Kahler, thou hast neither the line nor length to be King! |
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He draws a sausage. |
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Claud. |
What, ho! Im slain! |
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He dies. |
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Bobo. |
I, too am slain! |
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He collapses over a bucket. |
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Hor. |
And me! Oh
. |
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He slumps over a pot plant. |
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Act 109, Scene 342 |
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The next morning, at Castle Kareela. Enter Wazza Gray, Kerry OKeefe, and attendants. |
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Wazza. |
Give order that these bodies
High on a stage be placed to view,
And let me speak to th yet unknowing world
How devoid of backbone and talent these gypsies were. |
OKe. |
Lord, bear Cutlet and his breed to hells burning ring,
To be roasted eternally in the annals of their retentiveness. |
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Finis. |
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Randwick 8/237, The Gypsies 213 |
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The cast in order of appearance. |
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Barnado Davies
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. John Malkovitch
Francisco Sharp
...
Gerard Depardieu
Jobie Thane of Bondi
.. John Candy
Cutlet
John Hurt
Claudius Kahler
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Elliot Goblet
Gertrude Bradley
.Guy Pearce
Shylock Cohen
Woody Allen
Witch
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. The Lady
Rosenchung
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.. Jackie Chan
Guildencolman
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. George Lazenby
Horatio Futon-Smith
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.George Burns
Andrew Wawrzyniak
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.Hana Mandlikova
Bobo
..Peter Falk
Warren Gray
John Pertwee
Kerry OKeefe
.Peter Sleep
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