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DEATH – Gary Gypsy, park cricketer, 2001 – 2002

Gary Gypsy, a well-known and popular cricketer in the fifth grade of the Moore Park & SECA district competition, passed away quietly in his sleep on the afternoon of Saturday, February 9th. He is known to have been suffering from depression due to financial losses and the sudden onset of impotence at the end of December. A chronic gambler, he was famous for talking big and losing even bigger. Gypsy had been on a winning streak through the latter part of 2001, and is known to have invested heavily in a Korean pus-processing plant in Kareela that was closed down after local residents objected that the factory obscured views of the waterfront Ikea warehouse. His body was discovered on a park bench at Booralee Oval in Botany, and according to Manly police there were no suspicious circumstances, other than a PET bottle of Bundy and turpentine and a loaded water pistol.

However Chief detective Elmore Turnip-Dodemaide, of the Botany Missing Socks Unit, revealed yesterday that Gypsy had fallen foul of local indigenous tribe The Apaches, returning only $153 on a $167 debt incurred at a local cross-dressing mahjong club. A report in The Sydney Horny Feral reported that, in his last hours, Gypsy had attempted to trade himself out of trouble at several black market backpacker currency syndicates, exchanging Aus dollars for the Polish Wawryzniak (at 4 for 13), the Israeli Cohen (at 2 for 63) and the worthless Ethiopian Kahler (at 4 for 31). It seems none of these measures impressed Apache’s feared warrior, Running Sore Jones, who reportedly assaulted Gypsy with a David Jones store dummy early on Saturday afternoon. The ABC’s investigative lifestyle program Four Saunas further revealed that Gypsy had received contributions, both monetary and viral, from at least three working girls at the Velvet Vomit nightclub in Paddington, where Gypsy was regularly sick, including Misses ‘Priscilla Crabbley’ ($42), ‘Titty Chung’ ($35) and ‘Tokyo Ben-Jo’ ($20), but still failed to make up the shortfall.

Gary Gypsy led a colourful life. He was born into a poor family in the reeds by Kippax Lake, and he continued to live in poverty for the duration of his existence, dying a pauper. He was the son of alcoholics, and vowed not to commit the sins of his parents, religiously abstaining from mixing Tokay and Malibu before 10am on most weekdays. He made 78 appearances in fifth grade, many with clothes on, amassing 415 runs at an average of 7.03, and bowled 677overs for figures of 1 for 4 582. But it was as a lewd and witty performance artist that Gypsy made his name. One of his most famous stunts was breaking wind into the PA system at Wembley during a minute’s silence for the death of Diana. He also stole into the Channel 9 commentary box during a one-day international at the MCG disguised as Ian Chappell and spent three minutes swearing to a live audience before being removed by security.

Tributes flowed in during the week, with Henry Blofeld declaring that Gypsy was “a lively, strapping youth who always gave the impression of having a dear old seagull wedged in briefs”. The Governor General was “saddened, yet strangely excited in an entirely secular way” while a surprised Prime Minister claimed he knew nothing of their passing. He is survived by his wife Lady, a plastic surgeon, and two children Hector and Thighpad. A commemorative service is to be held on Tuesday, February 26th in the phone booth on the corner of Minamata and Typhoid streets, Lakemba.